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Man Up!
A Jewish boy comes home and proudly tells his parents that he has been chosen to play Joseph in the school’s nativity play. His father is upset. ‘Why couldn’t he get a speaking part’? he demands.
A Jewish man turns up at a New York deli at 3am one night in the middle of a ferocious blizzard and asks for one pickle. ‘Did your wife send you’ asks the man behind the counter sympathetically’? ‘Do you think my mother would send me out in this weather’ answers the man.
These stereotypical images of the supine Jewish male came to mind when I read a story, that presented an image of men at the opposite extreme. A recently published study in the journal Social Science & Medicine, covering 59 countries found that nations where men feel the most pressure to prove their manhood — to be tough, dominant, never show weakness — are also among the least happy. It seems that things are pretty rough in the manosphere!
By the way, the study found that Britain sits somewhere in the middle of the 59 countries. Our men are apparently neither especially macho nor especially miserable. Make of that what you will!
So, what is the proper definition of the perfect man – supine or belligerent?
Two thousand years ago, the Sages of the Talmud asked a seemingly simple question – ‘Who is truly strong?’ The answer seemed obvious: a warrior trained to be aggressive, or a man of commanding physical presence. But that is not the answer they gave. Instead, they said that the definition of strength is the ability to control and restrain one’s impulses. A strong man is not one who masters others but one who masters himself.
Perhaps this counterintuitive answer provides a perspective that works for us in our age.
‘Abundant crops come through the strength of the ox’ says the Book of Proverbs. Strength becomes productive when it is harnessed. Men who direct their inner self towards, sensitivity, communication, patience, empathy are not surrendering to unmanliness. Because these qualities call on a deeper and more demanding strength.
The best man in the room is the one speaks respectfully to his wife or partner, puts his children to bed and reads them a story, calls his parents regularly and carries the quiet weight of responsibility without needing anyone to notice.
It may be hard – but it’s worth it.
